boat

the waves inside of me

they’re screaming to get out

to drown everything on its way

telling me to say things i didn’t mean

turning me into the monster i’ve always been

burn my tongue and bury the good memories

i said, i want to be happy

but the truth is, i’m afraid of what comes next.

i’m scared that when the tsunami hits town,

you are no longer here

because now the roof is already leaking

and your boat is ready to sail.

t.l.

the ugliness is pouring out

and i couldn’t stop it.

disappear

why do i have to feel

everything so intensely

my chest , my poor chest

is torn into a thousand pieces

and at the end, i’m the only here for me

i wanna be dangerous, i wanna be rude

i don’t wanna care about anyone’s feelings

i don’t wanna feel all these emotional waves

up and down and up and down

i’m already sea sick but I couldn’t leave the boat

why did i keep writing these poems

if i had nothing nice to say?

why did i keep living life

like it’s on show

can i disappear now

can i?

t.l.

Old Blind Dog

a black dog, who likes to wander

her eyes surrender to the Sun

her ears folded like the shrinking plant

i watched as she made her way around the block

slowly, steadily, with no caution

her skin wrinkled like my never-ironed shirt

is she happy?

walking to the unknown,

when days become nights

streetlights are tired fireflies

does she like it, smelling everything for the first time

and maybe the last time.

we start to forget things

as we get older and weaker

so we can keep living

knowing that life is ending somehow

and today, we take a breath for the first,

and maybe the last time.

t.l.

ego

it was a thunderous night

the cold wind crept in like a desperate lover

street lights flashed at you like lightning

if i asked you to stay, would you?

no wonder why water runs downward

like how i will always fall for you

i kept searching in the dark, tried

to beat this disease in my mind

sleepless nights aren’t as tiring

as trying to smile with puffy eyes

i can’t even look myself in the mirror

scared i would see somebody else

when it comes to you, my chest

tightens like a thousand killer bees

are trying to fit in one nest

sting me once and i’m yours forever

building walls with wet wipes

but what am i thinking?

trying to protect myself but i

want you to stay more

even if that means i would have

to strip down every wall, every amour

every last piece of my ego.

t.l.

maybe love does make me insane

but with you, my mind gets a little bit quieter.

free as the rain

i want to hide

i don’t want to be here

i know that everything is a lie

and eventually we will all die

so why try so hard now?

can i curl into a ball and disappear?

i hate my own face and voice

i even think my shadow is ugly

i stood in front of the beautiful sunset

and yet,

i couldn’t be there for all of it

i care too much about the people,

about things that don’t matter

i’m afraid i would hurt their feelings

so mine is put aside

and now every part of me wants to disintegrate

can i throw my phone away

and disappear into the night

go live on a deserted island

leaving with no trace, no footstep,

no sound of other people laughing

no disappointment

no anger

no expectation

no money matter

no

i want to say no

i want to scream it out of my lungs

pull the words out of my throat

before it became a cancerous lump

cut my chest opened and vomit these two syllables

and just like that,

maybe all my problems would go away too.

no, i said

proud as a bird

and free as the rain.

t.l.

quicksand

one of my biggest flaws

is that i don’t know

whether i will fall

or rise against the wind

so instead of taking the leap

i’m too fucking scared to move

so, every day i stay in the same spot

worrying, being in a chaotic desperation

wanting to break out, but never wanting enough

i have created a field of quicksand

i dug my own graveyard

i put on a chain around my ankles

tied my shoes together

and prayed that tomorrow never comes

so i could be miserable forever

as i looked up into the sky

seeing the clouds being so free

i didn’t realized

these chains have no lock

the quick sand was just regular sand

and the graveyard was once a garden

full of beautiful blossomed flowers

and i am already free, but do i want that

as badly, as i love staying inside?

t.l.

Lucky

You said i was too lucky

To never have to walk

Through the Forest of Darkness

Until my heels bleed,

Hear the sounds of the fighter planes

Going above my roof,

Run against the B-52 bombs

Striking across the sky

Like lightning, like clipped-wing butterflies.

You said I was too lucky to have freedom

In the palm of my hands

Never have to pray to God 

For food and shelter,

For coming home alive after the war

Never have to lay awake at night

Wishing there would be no shooting stars in the sky.

i was lucky, because i was born your daughter

I had everything handed to me since i could remember

A pen, so i could study well and pass all the exams

Not to write these silly good-for-nothing poems

A piano, so our house would always have music

Even when someone was shouting and someone else was crying

A lego house, so I know how much you love me

Even when you weren’t at home

An expectation, so I would grow up nicely

Go to school, get to work, have a husband, and a few kids 

Isn’t that lucky? 

I was lucky, because when I came out as bisexual

You said I still have hope

I was just lost at the crossroads, a T-section

I could choose the path that is easier

Or I could get lost in this dark and tragic one

I was lucky, you said, because I am still a girl

Underneath all the rage and anger and frustration

I still have a way out, you said, and you wish

That I will finally choose what is best for me.

And so, I kept quiet, I nodded

I smiled so things can move on 

In a couple months you’d sit down with me

“Time is running out”, you said

But i feel like it’s for both of us

What is scarier? A daughter who won’t get married

Or a ticking bomb inside the house

A daughter who can’t find herself a man

Or being lost in a maze trying to find the way out

When you can see the exit sign as clear as day.

And here I stood, at 4 a.m

In the rain, crying my heart out

I know now that saying

sorry for the 99th times

Still doesn’t mean you won’t make the mistake again

Saying yes to everything doesn’t make you the good daughter

I know now that freedom isn’t accepting

Freedom isn’t being quiet

Freedom isn’t scared of hurting your loved one’s feelings

So you’d stay in your shell forever

Freedom doesn’t cost anything

But I was the one who put a price on it. 

t.l.

igneous rock

practicing how to say no

how to stop the rain from falling

how to love oneself better than

plainly giving love and expect to be loved

the same way

i know street lights might look like stars

on the darkest of nights but they’re not

the things you thought are so important now

might be forgotten through time

i pictured myself an igneous rock

that lets other people grind and polish

until it loses its shape

and now that piece of rock is round and beautiful

but i don’t want that anymore.

t.l.

i wanna go back to my original form