Tsunami of Words

unfamiliar faces

sorry, i said the wrong things

quickly, think of something else

divert their attention

say something interesting

you’re always the smart one

but, tell me

what are you even doing

who are you fooling,

trying to happy and sociable?

shake my legs and trying to get out

you’re already in too deep

do you know that nobody cares

whether or not you’re faking it

breathe, you tell yourself

every time you closed the door

breathe, that man won’t attack you

next time, run faster

breathe, wake up now before he caught you

sleeping soundly and innocently

breathe, count to three

and this is all a dream.

your house is invaded

your attacker is smiling at your parents

nobody gives a fuck what happened

what’s important is that you have to smile now

be a good girl and smile through it

okay?

t.l.

how can your source of happiness

can also be the source of immense pain?

t.l.

as you were waiting

for the right train to arrive

stepped closer to the platform

you did it unconsciously

you went for the next available train

that would pick up your rotten soul

going somewhere you don’t wanna go

but how could you get off

it’s nice in here

so familiar, yet so exciting

the pain you’re feeding

it’s real, it’s addicting

you know

now there’s only option left,

Jump.

t.l.

things are left

unsaid

i haven’t made

any progress

no poem

nothing to see

i feel empty ,

disconnected,

scattered .

yet i still

want to live

i want to know

how things will

turn around

so much

more than ever

more than ever.

t.l.

write shitty poems

why can’t i be better

i told myself to practice

to read more books

meet more people

all but wishes

all but empty promises.

t.l.

i’m not antisocial, i swear

i crave human interactions

it’s just that i

want to die and it stops me

from enjoying whatever is happening

i apologize for being so disconnecting

i am trying, i swear .

t.l.

if you love so easily,

how do i know if

you really did love me

maybe

you were just lonely

and maybe

i don’t really deserve this.

t.l.

i don’t know what i’m doing

either way, i’d be losing

the gold fish kept forgetting

who he was before he can remember

i swam upstream to find out

the Earth is flat

all of those purposes

all of the lies

to keep on going

now it’s a blank page

once again, i’m at zero

becoming less of everything

i don’t know how long

until i couldn’t shrink anymore.

t.l.

romantic and self-criticized hearts

drained out, but somehow

still holding out

like a starving penguin

waiting for the familiar sound

in a thousand different realities

they would always choose the same

knowing the hurt and the pain

wishing for the lives where

it’s all worth it in the end.

t.l.

i wasn’t happy then

but you were in my life

purring, scratching the bed

i found you at your favourite spot

you found me when i was lost

now that you’re gone

i wish it was me instead.

t.l.

i don’t know which is worse

so good at lying

i ended up being the idiot

who never doubted anything,

or so bad at lying

i could tell from just the flicker in their eyes

can i delay sadness by a day?

can i just be happy for now?

t.l.

does it make a difference

if you’re in bed with someone

or if you ended up dying alone

could you feel less pain

could you rise from the dead

could you go insane

or could you finally cut the thread?

one leaf falls after another

i reached for the phone

someone got my tongue

i said “is it hell?”

on the other side

i heard my voice saying “yes”.

t.l.

my rain, my eyes

weak body, weak mind

if you’re living, consider yourself

the lucky one

i’m always drowning

in a room full of glass

i’m forever screaming

but they are speaking over me

wasted time, i wonder how much

longer i can pretend

a captive bird that happens

to be your favourite pet

but i am delusional, a mess

deep down i know it’s all piling up

suffocating my own body

and the people i ever loved

i’m sorry for being here

a flower no matter how beautiful

will wither and die

i only wish this time i remembered it.

t.l.

when there are a lot of noises

you will find yourself making choices

whether being frustrated

or sit still and find the quiet space

in between strangers’ dialogues.

t.l.

the simple poems

are rewarded with the truth

people like it short,

i keep reminding myself that

dark ocean eyes, lie awake at night,

trying to map out my life

the ceilings were my friends

since i was a baby

revolution, resolution

even with robot wings

even when you flew to Mars,

only to look up to the ceiling

every damn night again.

t.l.

if i peeled these skins off

would i get another chance

if i somehow altered myself

would the universe mistaken me

for another being and let me live

again as someone else?

would i still endure the same sadness

the same emptiness, the same hollow ground

inside my lungs where i hide

my suicidal thoughts?

if i didn’t breathe out anxiety

and learn to smile on command,

would anyone notice any difference?

t.l.

your neck is hurting

and you kept trying

to find the right pillow

until you realized

that what has been hurting you

is them.

t.l.

i know it seems hard to get out of a situation

especially when you thought you couldn’t live

without it. Until one day, you’re out,

and never have you felt this right.

told me i’m gold

but once the heat went on for too long

you didn’t want to stay

to check if you were wrong.

t.l.

i want a love so pure

so transparent, so simple

but i crave pain and complexity.

i want to be happy

but i’m the one who lives

in a lucid dream

waking up to find myself

already dreaming again.

i want to less sensitive

but a falling leaf

can make me feel delighted

and want to die over again.

i want change

but i can’t seem to leave the pupa

and complete the metamorphosis

it’s too warm in here.

t.l.

a fish that wants to fly

a bird that wants to dive

a living body that wants to expire

why is it normal to laugh together

and cry alone

and not the other way round?

t.l.

sadness,

like a beating heart

everyone is given one

whether you like it or not

some hearts beat aggressively

some go slowly

some stay still

can we still feel sad after death

what is it about sadness that is so irresistible

why do the eye water keeps flowing under bridges

from a pool of sadness to the next?

t.l.

there’s a hole on my tooth

and my tongue always manages to find it

the human body is so good at finding imperfection

like how I always know where to look

for the wrong, the bad, and the ugly

even if all of my other twenty eight teeth are fine

there will always something broken

if there isn’t, it’s time to bite my tongue again.

t.l.

never have I bitten anything with this much damage

than my own flesh

maybe there’s something wrong with me

that’s why i’m so comfortable hiding

behind these pages, imagination

and delusions and scenarios

that never happened, i love

creating them and i’m getting so good

at doing the things that take me far away

from reality, melodies and out of tune keys

if your don’t listen too carefully,

maybe i could fit in as one

maybe i could fake it, gradually

if you don’t listen too carefully.

t.l.

if every key is off

maybe the whole song could be right.

Live and let live

i have that tattoo

as my first, in a language i couldn’t

speak even in my dream

i knew nothing of this world

of how cruel it can be

when i’m the only one

who can make everything happen

all the joy, and misery

as long as i’m in control, i’m good to go

like a switch, i could take me to the moon

and then drop myself down with no warning

i created that world so perfectly

so i don’t have to live in the real one.

t.l.

who are we

but little pieces

of undone eternity?

t.l.

when something dearly is gone forever

all you wish was a little bit of touch

a little bit of sound

a little bit of their sense

they must have left some around

on the floor, at the corner of the bed

at the front door, where they used to rest.

you tried to relive the memories

turn the house upside down

looking for something that once belonged to them

you kept going round and round

in your head, playing that same clip

hoping they would return in the flesh

and rub their tail on your jeans once again.

t.l.

i hope in the next 8 lives,

i get to cross paths with you one last time.

when the light gets too bright

we can see all the ugliness

all the things we didn’t like

we’d rather stay in the dark

fooling ourselves with unnecessary things

searching for eternity

for love from another being

we can’t escape death

so we kept denying,

we’re just a bunch of chemicals

existing for a brief moment

in this vast and unknown universe

when everything becomes nothing at the end

and there’s no exception,

even for the mightiest human.

t.l.

why do we keep doing the meaningless things

by trying to put meanings in everything

a mouse got hit by a car

its parents said, don’t cross that road

there’s nothing on the other side

the mouse said no, said it has to see for itself

now it’s lying there

its colour matches the pavement

the more it got ran over

the more road it becomes

the less mouse it is.

t.l.

the waves inside of me

they’re screaming to get out

to drown everything on its way

telling me to say things i didn’t mean

turning me into the monster i’ve always been

burn my tongue and bury the good memories

i said, i want to be happy

but the truth is, i’m afraid of what comes next.

i’m scared that when the tsunami hits town,

you are no longer here

because now the roof is already leaking

and your boat is ready to sail.

t.l.

the ugliness is pouring out

and i couldn’t stop it.