Shrink

My mother told me to lower my voice

That my laugh is too much

That people will judge

“Eat less, smile more. No one will love those sad eyes”

When I was ten, I was told Music will not bring warmth into beds

That I should learn how to count instead

One two three four five six I counted my tears until I fell asleep

I was never the pretty one

I must prove my worth

If I shrink myself into something men can fit in their pockets

Bow my head and keep quiet and they might not notice I was even there

“Be smart but not too smart”

“Lie and lie until they believe you”

Too much rings on my body Too much ink on my skin

My mother cried and blamed herself for not understanding why

Sometimes I laid in bed for days

I never saw the sun or heard the birds sing

The room felt bigger, my hands seem smaller

I must shrink until no one can see me

Then maybe I can finally be “me”.

t.l.

Books I’m reading: I want to die but I want to eat Tteokpokki

The first time I saw this book at the bookstore, I already wanted to read it. The cover was in purple, with a girl laying in melancholy but next to her is a bowl of tteokpokki. It is sad but also funny at the same time. I felt like that girl could be me. On days, I would think about what to have for lunch, laughing and dancing while also wanting to end my life.

This is a book by a Korean author. She also suffered from depression and this book is her recorded conversations with her therapist/psychiatrist about her problems and how she dealt with it. The more I read, the more I see myself in her. Maybe I was also looking for something in common with someone else on the other side of the world, maybe I also want to believe that what I feel isn’t too strange or “bad”. And that it is totally normal to feel like this sometimes.

I have learned that everything in my head is my own judgement, that it drives my thoughts and actions towards what I think is true or right. While the world is operating on a totally different way, I’m stuck in the bottom of the well with my own subjective perceptions on how things should run.

I have also learned that it is okay to have contradicting feelings. When I like someone and invest my time and emotions in them; I often love and hate them at the same time. I am glad that I was chosen by them but also worry that they will take advantage of me and leave me eventually. That actually has affected my relationship for quite some time, how I was acting hot and cold and giving them confusing signals.

My partner actually told me how I should sit back, think about what I really want, observe my feelings before I act on them so carelessly. They told me that feelings are important but it shouldn’t be the only thing I care about because I was encouraging my emotions to overwhelm everything else.

It took me a while to realize what they said was right and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and base all my decisions on how I feel at times. Similarly, the protagonist in the book I’m reading is also going through stuff that I was going through. She also has a low self-esteem, she is worried everyone will find out the real her and leave her for good. She recorded everything when she is out with people and listened to the conversations at home as a way to reassess herself. She also make very extreme judgement, things are either good or bad and not in between. And then she will blame herself for it.

I haven’t finished the book but what I got from is far more useful than any book I have ever read:

  1. It is interesting to know that there is someone else who is very similar to me
  2. I am getting therapy service I only paid a very small amount of money for
  3. I am learning to think more objectively and more opened. And that not everything is what I think it is.
  4. Write more. Express more. Just do more.

I would like to thank the author for opening up about her own vulnerability and struggles, by writing this book and letting other people like me to feel understood, she helps us see the world in a more unbiased and open-minded way.

t.l.

Feeling … nothing

There is this feeling … I can’t quite explain it. It is something, not happy, not sad, not exciting, not boring, not anything. The feeling of numbness, of blankness, of static.

This feeling is here with me, all the time, most of the time. Sometimes it appears after a big cry session. Sometimes it’s here when I’m in the most crowded place. Sometimes it’s what I feel inside no matter what I do on the outside. Sometimes before going to bed and sometimes when I wake up.

And when I feel … nothing, I start to think: ‘Why?’. I start creating a feeling of why I’m feeling like this. Is it sadness? Is it my depression? My anxiety? Or is it everything I would ever feel? I blamed the pills I took, must be them! They blocked every emotions and even though they are supposed to give me extra serotonin, maybe they just played around and did nothing. Maybe they are the reasons why I’m smiling when I’m sad, and maybe they are the reasons why I don’t want to live anymore.

I don’t know. What is it I’m doing? I can write them all out but I still can’t find the answer for my existence. I asked myself, ‘When was the last time I truly felt happy?’. What is happiness anyway, but a bunch of chemicals in your brain telling you that you are worthy of living.

Yes, call me a pessimist. But I have to be ready for the worst to come. I can’t just take life as it is. I just can’t afford that kind of simplicity and gullibility. I have been that naive girl once before, and I just can’t start at zero again.

I’m not a doctor or a psychiatrist, but I guess depression for me isn’t really about feeling sad, it’s about feeling nothing. It’s about not wanting to wake up, take a shower, walk, eat, drink, talk, and even dream. It’s about how life statically happens in front of my eyes, and I just can’t give two shits about it.

How do I get myself out of here? If you know, please let me in your secrets.

Avoidant Lover

you said,

“why are you being so kind? why give when you can take?”

I guess I thought I was sensitive and passionate and I love with all my heart; but I don’t. I learned not to give it all because then what am I am left with if they decide to leave me?

Love is always conditional but I wish it could be different. Being kind has its price to pay but I wish I could learn from my mistakes. I wish I could stop blaming myself for every bad things that ever happened to me.

I will run because that’s the best thing I do. I will run away from these words, I will run from my true feelings, I will run from a job, I will run from a degree, I will run from a party, I will run from you and I will probably run away from myself one day.

I give up so easily like I was born to do it. I can’t remember when was the last time I fought for anything. I can’t remember the feeling of being in control of everything and knowing my self-worth. “What has happened?”, I wondered. What has made me who I am today?

I guess all I know is I am filled with flaws and scars I don’t even want to admit. And that’s okay. Those are what makes us human. Mistakes and flaws are what make us who we are today. And I will love all of them as I love my whole self.

t.l.

My First Blog Post

‘I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.’

— Jack Kerouac.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

About Me

I start this blog to write about everything in my head, about myself, my emotions, sometimes they can be beautiful but most times, they are unorthodox, raw and honest.

I hope if you stumble upon this, there is something you can relate to or interesting enough for you to keep reading.

Thank you and let’s be friends!

Tammy