something is changing
I can feel it in my bones
I’m growing
like a wild daisy
sometimes it is hard to breathe
just hold on to my branch
the wind is sweeping dust from the ground
just wait until you are found
there is water from the sky
and from your eyes
can’t you see
that you are one
everything
and nothing
at once.
t.l.
(inspired by Look at the Sky by Porter Robinson)
A crooked smile
what are you trying to prove?
you got those sad eyes
again, anyone can see through
wait, aren’t you the lucky one?
you’re supposed to make these words rhyme
can’t you see
it’s nearly your time.
t.l.
(it’s time for me to grow up)
a poem
for me
for my eyes to see
for my heart to know
that I can still produce
something
a poem
for you
for the world to see
that I am still
here.
t.l.
Recently, I have listened to the new Porter Robinson’s song “Look at the Sky”. I actually was not impressed with the song the first time I heard it. I was running on the treadmill at the time. I did close my eyes and imagine as if I was running outside and looking up at the sky.
It turned out to be my favourite “on-repeat” song now. To quote Porter Robinson:
“Shouldn’t it come to you naturally?
And everyone knows, oh
You’re losing your gift and it’s plain to see
But then something must have changed in me
I don’t fear it anymore
Now I’m sure.”
I get that. Really I do. When you identify as a “creative” person, you always expect yourself to do something good. Make something worthwhile. And I guess I am stuck, not just in the process of “creating” but in life, too.
It’s been 3 years since I came back to my hometown to have a career after my degree. I thought having a Master degree would finally prove that I’m worth the trouble. I thought that with a high salary and a Manager title, I could be something. I guess I was wrong.
I always am torn between what I love to do and what I “need” to do. Yes, have a job. Earn money. Buy a house. Prove to your parents that all the money they have spent on you was well-spent. Prove to society that you can do it. You can be human. You can contribute.
But what do I love? Isn’t that just an excuse to get me out of those societal responsibilities? Am I going to procrastinate for the rest of my life? Am I postponing just because I don’t know what I love to do anymore? Or am I simply afraid?
I guess we will find out. Maybe I will get better. Maybe it will get better.
t.l.
I have been thinking about my future. What I want to do and what I want to become. I am still a little bit unclear. But I have realized two things:
These two realizations led to another big epiphany. Something about myself that I have always been so sure. That I always blamed myself for quitting a job too early or for not sticking around for long enough. For being “fussy” and talking back to a boss if they didn’t treat me right. For not enduring every hardship that comes my way and just try to find another easier way.
I have also realized that working with the people I enjoyed is the most important thing. At first I thought a job that pays well is the one I should get. Then I thought, a job with a “nice” managerial position is what I need to show people “I can also do it”. But I need to understand that those things are not what I really want for myself. They are what I think I need to get approval from other people, including my family.
The truth (it may change) is, I just don’t enjoy working in a corporate environment.
And that’s why I find countless reasons to quit, to run away, to get a break from all those jobs. Maybe I just have to accept that I am not made for that. I just have to accept who I am and stop blaming myself for not taking the “common” road that every graduate takes.
That road for many people might be graduation, get a job, get a husband or wife, have children and then die. That road might not be for everyone, including me. And that is okay.
I have been reading this book called “The Courage To Be Disliked” by Kishimi Ichiro & Koga Fumitake. It’s an interesting book I must say. It follows a philosopher and a young man (whom I relate to a lot). They discussed the meaning of life. They talked about how you are the influence of your happiness, how all pains come from human interaction. How you can exist and that’s enough.
I haven’t finished reading this book yet. But I am getting to the very end.
I find myself very similar to that young fearful man who thinks so little of himself. He was always compared to his older brother, he is not confident about his job or his looks. He blamed the reasons but not wanting to change, to become better. He is like a mirror to my past self.
And I don’t want to be that little afraid girl who is not in love with herself anymore. That’s why I am taking my own path. And take full responsibility for it. Whether it is working at a highly paid job or writing articles at home, I should do it with a good manner.
After all, I am living my life and not anybody else.
t.l.
Ecstatic, Elegant
You came into my life in a sudden
Is this what people often call “fate”
Well, I hope I’m not late
for this destiny train
Empathetic, Exquisite
You stayed with me for dear life
Like swaying trees in the wind
I hope these roots can hold us both
Enlighten me, Emily
You told me to not regret this decision
Like jumping head first into the big ocean
I know it has always been you I choose.
t.l.
Long time no see. I know I haven’t been writing lately. I have been applying for jobs here and there but I realize, this is what I do because everyone else is doing it and it is expected of me. “A young person should get up and work”, my mum said.
I totally understand, we should all work. But working doesn’t always mean waking up at 8am and get home at 6pm and repeat until you can no longer work. I have been told to study when I’m young, work when I’m older, marry, have a family and live a happy life. But life isn’t just about that routine. And sometimes when my body is telling me to do something else than just following that set routine, my mind get lost in the process.
I used to think of what I am becoming in 5 years and I always have an answer, that is to become a musician, to have my own studio and make my own music. I know that my skills aren’t enough to debut as a musician or singer so I chose a more “behind the scenes” path: to work in the music industry as a producer or manager. However, when I am offered a job in that direction, I hesitated.
During my 2 years back home, I have learned more about the showbiz industry. I understand that everyone has to strive and sometimes they have to push others down to move ahead. I completely empathize with artists who have suffered from anti-fan and bad comments online. And I don’t know if I can be a part of that competitive, dramatic and bling bling industry.
I wanted to be something big. I wanted to make a lot of money and make a change. I wanted to show everybody of what I am capable of. But now,
I want to be something small and I want to do something I love. More importantly, I want to show myself of what I can do.
I want to wake up in the morning feeling like myself the most, living life to the fullest by doing what I love and hopefully life will give me some meanings.
However, in order to reach that, I have to get over the expectations of others, I have to learn that I cannot make everyone happy.
So now, I will post at least a poem a day. It doesn’t have to be good poetry. It just has to be mine.
t.l.
Although I am not a big fan of mystery/detective novels, this book has been a wild ride. It makes me question every motive, every clue in the process of finding the culprit. A good read no matter what genre you’re into.
Higashino has a sharp tone, and the way he writes is quite different from what I normally read. He writes from a third person to give a more unbiased view. Sometimes, a character will have their monologue or inner voice so we would understand more about them and how they think. The book is like a big map with different hidden parts unravel as you read.
He picks 2 extinguish detectives, one is a male who has feelings for the main suspect, another one is a young female who thinks totally opposite. The wife is also very interesting to read, I personally think it is too obvious that she is the killer so I’m still waiting for the big twist.
This book had me guessing for days. Sometimes even when I’m doing something else, I thought about how the culprit made their move and how they got away with their alibi.
I haven’t finished reading this book yet, so I will update more when I’m done. My apology that this post is a little short in advance.
Stay tuned.
There is something I realized recently: Everyone has an opinion about everything, about everyone else. Whether it is the way your walk, the way you dress, the way your face look in the morning when you didn’t have any sleep the night before or even the person you love. Everyone has their own biased opinion about you and what you do, and the more you let them in those personal affairs, the more they will try to tell you what to do.
I also realized that a healthy relationship is the one that doesn’t have the need to show to the rest of the world. Rather than bitching to your friends about your partner, use that time to find out the problems, talk to your partner, compromise or fix it. If you’re very confused about what to do, it is okay to rely on your loved ones, your family, your best friends to give you advice. But at the end of the day, it is still you who needs to make the decisions for yourself and your relationship.
Everyone is human. And everyone makes silly mistakes. And that’s okay. As long as no-one tries to tell you what is right and what is wrong, pushing you towards what they believe is “best” for you, telling you to break up or be with a person you don’t want to be with. A healthy and happy relationship should be the one between two people, when it’s three or more, it’s become a crowd.
t.l.
I have heard about Tarot reading a few years ago. At that time, I think this is another fortune telling, and it really depends on the person if they want to believe in it. However, I have been more involved with the spiritual world lately, astrology, Chinese astrology and now Tarot. The reason why I have been interested in these is because I am confused with my own life and I just need a little push in the direction that I wanted.
It is true that human only want to hear what they want to hear. And if you are feeling lost and not knowing what to do, you will still react to the different choices available for you on the table. I have been in situations where I was so confused as to what to do, and when different voices were telling me different things, I only lean myself towards what I really wanted to happen.
And I think that is why I have started to read more about astrology, about tarot readings. I want these ideas in my head to become real, not from my biased self but from some other forces. I have difficulties accepting anything new, and I hope that these spiritual beliefs can help me guide myself closer to me.
Now I understand that it doesn’t matter if God is real. It matters that we have something to hold onto, to believe in, in the darkest moments in our lives. It matters that if we lose faith in everything else, we still have something bigger to lean on. And that is us.
t.l.
Tsunami of Words 