serendipity

i should be leaving

but instead, i’m still here

holding on to the last falling leaf

winter is coming

has it already been a season

since we last said goodbye?

we both knew from the day

we met that we were not

meant to be together

and yet, we took that chance

hoping we could fight against

all the warning signs,

all the wrong butterflies

all the wine-coloured flags

was it pretty to you too?

to love a tragedy

and lose a possibility

of pure serendipity.

t.l.

things i never stopped doing

if there’s one thing

that i will never stop doing

is to love myself

by learning, and trying

by loving, and losing

by falling, and standing

by flowing, and restraining

by exploring, and restoring

by forgiving, and remembering

by flying to the sky

and diving into the ocean

by taking those first steps

and running in the woods

as freely, as passionately

without fear, without doubts

like the first time I ever saw

and heard, and touched, and tasted,

and felt anything.

t.l.

p.s. i’ll fall again and again

so i will keep learning.

p.p.s. thank you for showing me things that I haven’t seen or I have but didn’t know where to look.

Fearful avoidant

bite my tongue

I’d rather walk away

than staying to hear the awkward goodbyes

when there’s too much to say

the invisible threads tied around my lips

my knees gone weak at the thought

of pouring my heart out

collecting rocks in my chest

dark clouds accumulating in my crazy head

but it never rained over there

just humidity and lightning strokes

where are the rainbows and the Sun?

slap my wrist and laugh hysterically

i used to hurt myself for fun

crying and smiling and diving

into the sea of my past mistakes

when they said, fearful avoidant

I see a little birdie on the verge of dying

too afraid to fly away

too scared to stay.

t.l.

my voice

someone barged in and said,

why are you speaking this foreign language?

have you forgotten your roots?

are you learning Vietnamese? again?

you sound like a snake

that wanted to erase its old skin

the words you’re speaking

doesn’t make sense to us.

speak Vietnamese like you’re one

say “xin chao” and “xin loi”

when we’re speaking to you

stop making these poems

that no one reads.

i remembered that i had

to choose a different name

because someone couldn’t pronounce mine

thanh, say it like you just catch your breath for the first time

tammy, put your lips together

and make them bounce from each other

call me courage, and earnest, and beauty

say my name like you just have just learned to speak.

my name will stuck in your throat

like a sweet summer grape that could take your life

my name will jump from one lover’s mouth

to another, each time with more sentiments

my name will travel far and wide

it will become your national anthem.

so, if my voice isn’t your cup of tea

if my language doesn’t fall between your frequency

if my name doesn’t exist in your dictionary

if what i speak out threatens you

i will continue to sing, loud and proud

as i owe you or the world nothing.

t.l.

ferris wheel

how can what i love

be what i fear

the one i needed the most

is the one i ran away from

i wanted to be rock solid

but instead i flow like waves

in and out

in and out and in and out and in and out

again, again, again

can’t make my mind up

do i want to stay or leave

am i making sense

will they hurt me in the end.

how do i leave this circle

of the ferris wheel going round

oh god, i wanted to jump out

but my legs were numb

my mind waited for the highs

and my heart absorbed the lows for goodnights.

t.l.

Catastrophe

i used to sought solace

in the suffering

it’s the only thing that’s real

the only consistence in my life

i breathe it in every night,

and the next morning, trying to feel alive

i prayed that these heartaches

never stop, i looked for them

in the darkest places

i tried to find them in loving you

so it would feel natural, familiar

if there’s no pain, how could i

know what I’m feeling is genuine

if i didn’t love until i crash

if I didn’t rip my skin opened

if there’s no volcano and catastrophe

no hurricane and tsunami

how do i know who’s to hold onto

how do i know what’s left of me,

when there’s no you.

t.l.

writer’s block

when your mind is empty

and there’s no word coming out

your fingers lingered on the keyboards

like sleepy bees to a California poppy

you wanted to taste the honey

but too tired to move or think

your brain is telling you,

the moment you stopped writing

that’s when you stopped existing

so you got up, pulled out the chair

organised the desk, drank some coffee

and start living.

t.l.

where has my motivation gone?