Aquarium of sadness

trying to find my glasses

with closed eyes

my teeth are falling

my ghosts of the past are haunting

i could cry every night

but my better self can’t afford that

the roads are ending

can i climb up the wall

and redefine gravity wherever i go?

the more i know, the more i fear

if only i can trade my tears

for an aquarium with vegetarian sharks

and sea otters that hold hands forever.

t.l.

instead i’m a drowning fish.

Going 80

i love the sound of car’s seat belts

i wish that i had that alert sound

that invisible thread that pulls me back

from my wildest dreams.

so every time life’s about to hit so hard

i won’t hit my head while jumping out

of a moving car going 80

thinking i was flying for a moment.

t.l.

my poems are getting worse, like my soul.

freak show

i’m a three-hour freak show

i can go up fast and down slow

i often laugh when I wanted so hard to cry

i squeezed the toothpaste from the middle

sometimes too much, sometimes too little.

my limbs just move on their own

i often don’t feel my weight or feel too much

like death, i’m so certain but so erratic

my brain thinks i’m an ugly genius

but my heart says i’m an unloveable romantic.

i can only do both,

the calm and the crazy

the euphoria and the melancholy

the affection and the distance

the “you’re my best friend I hate you”

and the “you’re hurting me please stay”.

t.l.

told myself to reach for the sky

while pulling out all of my feathers.

slow

i used to love driving so fast

my head twirled in heaven

and my foot hit the pedal so hard

like i was running from my own depression

like it was the last day on earth.

when the truck’s headlights

exploded in my eye,

i wanted to let go of the brake

and just let myself float

to the other side.

now i live every day like

it was a life time over again

i want to go slow

i want to fold myself up and

hold you in my arms

as long as possible.

t.l.

i can be patient, i promise.

free fall

left your stuff scatter around my place

like how you appeared casually in my brain

we never know when the last leaf would fall

but can we stay here forever like this for now?

i never liked it unorganised

i needed my life to stay the way it is

but i like how you splashed new colours on my wall

and introduced me to new ways to free fall

into you.

t.l.

the reasons

you’re looking for something

in every lover, something to

fill in your hollow and fix

the never-ending pain.

you’re looking for something

to stop you from feeling so alone

you wanted to die, but did those things

make you any less lonely?

you’re looking for something

to make sense of this life,

to help you get out of your sinkhole

and stop crying at family gatherings.

t.l.

did you find it? the reasons to keep living.

living

everything is fading

the water is rising

did you forget to breathe?

the sparrows are soaring

the skyline is closing

time to decide: stay or leave?

i know your heart is tired

and your limbs want to give up

but you’re still moving

with every inhale

i know your core is weary

and you have trouble staying awake

but you’re still living

with every exhale.

t.l.

stay

stay

i could be much better

i could be a boy

i could be more alive

i could sing you that song you like

i could stop crying

i could be more obedient

i could take out all the piercings

i could be more quiet

i could be a brand new person

i could even change my name

i could go back to the way I was before

i could cut all my hair and change my clothes

i could unlike girls

i could erase all these tattoos

i could study harder

i could show more affections

i could say sorry and thank you, repeatedly

i could be anything you wanted me to be

i will stay in my shell

i won’t break out, i won’t go far away

i won’t be resentful, i won’t hold this grudge

i will be here, be good and kind

i will beg for once in my life

don’t get on that boat

please

stay with us

we need you

I need you.

t.l.