free as the rain

i want to hide

i don’t want to be here

i know that everything is a lie

and eventually we will all die

so why try so hard now?

can i curl into a ball and disappear?

i hate my own face and voice

i even think my shadow is ugly

i stood in front of the beautiful sunset

and yet,

i couldn’t be there for all of it

i care too much about the people,

about things that don’t matter

i’m afraid i would hurt their feelings

so mine is put aside

and now every part of me wants to disintegrate

can i throw my phone away

and disappear into the night

go live on a deserted island

leaving with no trace, no footstep,

no sound of other people laughing

no disappointment

no anger

no expectation

no money matter

no

i want to say no

i want to scream it out of my lungs

pull the words out of my throat

before it became a cancerous lump

cut my chest opened and vomit these two syllables

and just like that,

maybe all my problems would go away too.

no, i said

proud as a bird

and free as the rain.

t.l.