Recently, I have listened to the new Porter Robinson’s song “Look at the Sky”. I actually was not impressed with the song the first time I heard it. I was running on the treadmill at the time. I did close my eyes and imagine as if I was running outside and looking up at the sky.
It turned out to be my favourite “on-repeat” song now. To quote Porter Robinson:
“Shouldn’t it come to you naturally?
And everyone knows, oh
You’re losing your gift and it’s plain to see
But then something must have changed in me
I don’t fear it anymore
Now I’m sure.”
I get that. Really I do. When you identify as a “creative” person, you always expect yourself to do something good. Make something worthwhile. And I guess I am stuck, not just in the process of “creating” but in life, too.
It’s been 3 years since I came back to my hometown to have a career after my degree. I thought having a Master degree would finally prove that I’m worth the trouble. I thought that with a high salary and a Manager title, I could be something. I guess I was wrong.
I always am torn between what I love to do and what I “need” to do. Yes, have a job. Earn money. Buy a house. Prove to your parents that all the money they have spent on you was well-spent. Prove to society that you can do it. You can be human. You can contribute.
But what do I love? Isn’t that just an excuse to get me out of those societal responsibilities? Am I going to procrastinate for the rest of my life? Am I postponing just because I don’t know what I love to do anymore? Or am I simply afraid?
I guess we will find out. Maybe I will get better. Maybe it will get better.
t.l.
Tsunami of Words 