Freelance writer? A new path in my career.

I have been thinking about my future. What I want to do and what I want to become. I am still a little bit unclear. But I have realized two things:

1. Maybe I am not made for corporate environment. Where people strive so hard to climb the ladder, to get on top and to fight everyone and everything that is in their way. It is nice to have a lot of money, but you always have to pay (pun intended) a price for that.
2. I might not love to work in the music industry as much as I dreamed it would be. I have been a music lover all my life, but I realized that loving music doesn’t mean that I would like to work in that showbiz industry. I can still make a living doing something else while listening or making my own music.

These two realizations led to another big epiphany. Something about myself that I have always been so sure. That I always blamed myself for quitting a job too early or for not sticking around for long enough. For being “fussy” and talking back to a boss if they didn’t treat me right. For not enduring every hardship that comes my way and just try to find another easier way.

I have also realized that working with the people I enjoyed is the most important thing. At first I thought a job that pays well is the one I should get. Then I thought, a job with a “nice” managerial position is what I need to show people “I can also do it”. But I need to understand that those things are not what I really want for myself. They are what I think I need to get approval from other people, including my family.

The truth (it may change) is, I just don’t enjoy working in a corporate environment.

And that’s why I find countless reasons to quit, to run away, to get a break from all those jobs. Maybe I just have to accept that I am not made for that. I just have to accept who I am and stop blaming myself for not taking the “common” road that every graduate takes.

That road for many people might be graduation, get a job, get a husband or wife, have children and then die. That road might not be for everyone, including me. And that is okay.

I have been reading this book called “The Courage To Be Disliked” by Kishimi Ichiro & Koga Fumitake. It’s an interesting book I must say. It follows a philosopher and a young man (whom I relate to a lot). They discussed the meaning of life. They talked about how you are the influence of your happiness, how all pains come from human interaction. How you can exist and that’s enough.

I haven’t finished reading this book yet. But I am getting to the very end.

I find myself very similar to that young fearful man who thinks so little of himself. He was always compared to his older brother, he is not confident about his job or his looks. He blamed the reasons but not wanting to change, to become better. He is like a mirror to my past self.

And I don’t want to be that little afraid girl who is not in love with herself anymore. That’s why I am taking my own path. And take full responsibility for it. Whether it is working at a highly paid job or writing articles at home, I should do it with a good manner.

After all, I am living my life and not anybody else.

t.l.