There is this feeling … I can’t quite explain it. It is something, not happy, not sad, not exciting, not boring, not anything. The feeling of numbness, of blankness, of static.
This feeling is here with me, all the time, most of the time. Sometimes it appears after a big cry session. Sometimes it’s here when I’m in the most crowded place. Sometimes it’s what I feel inside no matter what I do on the outside. Sometimes before going to bed and sometimes when I wake up.
And when I feel … nothing, I start to think: ‘Why?’. I start creating a feeling of why I’m feeling like this. Is it sadness? Is it my depression? My anxiety? Or is it everything I would ever feel? I blamed the pills I took, must be them! They blocked every emotions and even though they are supposed to give me extra serotonin, maybe they just played around and did nothing. Maybe they are the reasons why I’m smiling when I’m sad, and maybe they are the reasons why I don’t want to live anymore.
I don’t know. What is it I’m doing? I can write them all out but I still can’t find the answer for my existence. I asked myself, ‘When was the last time I truly felt happy?’. What is happiness anyway, but a bunch of chemicals in your brain telling you that you are worthy of living.
Yes, call me a pessimist. But I have to be ready for the worst to come. I can’t just take life as it is. I just can’t afford that kind of simplicity and gullibility. I have been that naive girl once before, and I just can’t start at zero again.
I’m not a doctor or a psychiatrist, but I guess depression for me isn’t really about feeling sad, it’s about feeling nothing. It’s about not wanting to wake up, take a shower, walk, eat, drink, talk, and even dream. It’s about how life statically happens in front of my eyes, and I just can’t give two shits about it.
How do I get myself out of here? If you know, please let me in your secrets.
Tsunami of Words 